I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
