Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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