She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
