take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
