i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
sex in a hospital.. check
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
