my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
