She's like a pop up book from hell.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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