I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
