Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
