My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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