worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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