I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
sarcasm needs its own font
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Randomize
