We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
