I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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