I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
