True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
