I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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