my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
