Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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