You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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