can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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