I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
