I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
