Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize