I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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