My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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