i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
