Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
