Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
