I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize