You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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