hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
