K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
