Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Your penis caused this!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
