i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
