I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
