I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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