my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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