Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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