Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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