I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
