im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
