Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
ok first of all what the fuck
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
