I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
