i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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