I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
