My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
