just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
