I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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