Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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