he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
