I'm so fucking centered right now
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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