I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
