Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
