I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
