I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
