You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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