apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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