the condom got lost in my hair
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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