the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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