wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
