I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
