a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
